DSIEX.ORG

For Amusement Only!

“You don’t need to worry about your daughter’s safety, I keep a HUGE stock of condoms.” This is a bad line when meeting your new girlfriend’s parents.

“There’s no appointment, stupid.” Judith laughed out loud. “You obviously wanted to seduce her and she was dying for you to ask her out but since you were procrastinating, I took the initiative for you.”

“I didn’t say yes, you made the pickup line for me.” The downside to keeping his true thoughts hidden from his boss was having her misconstrue his intentions. Allen considered the seduction prospect of an evening meal with the lovely Secret Service agent. His coffee with Jessica was an insignificant gamble compared with the highly explosive, deadly poisonous and radioactive danger that just standing an arm’s reach from Beth was.

“So your refusing her overtures now would reflect badly on me.” She cinched in her trickery by one more grommet. “You can talk business for a few minutes to satisfy the pretense. Then you kids should just relax and enjoy each other’s company.”

“I have a pulsating headache and my stomach is upset.” This was the truth too but it stemmed his fear of a spike-embedded pitfall on his path. His brain sought for a way how NOT to seduce a woman.

“Then take a Midol.” Judith laughed at his latest excuse, which described the symptoms of PMS. “Now drop me off at the office and you can get spruced up for dinner. You might want to get a trim.”

“Women!” The females of the species were doomed to be the bane and occasionally the blessing of Allen’s existence. Maybe girls represented the same duality for all men but for the messenger the stakes here were deadly high. He wasn’t certain if he was more furious with Judith or frightened of Beth. “My spending intimate time with a Secret Services girl is like a fireman kissing an arsonist!”

Allen viewed himself in his bathroom mirror. He had passed at least four barbershops but defiantly drove on in protest. If a way existed to make his form less appealing, he would have done so. “I should paint on chicken pox and pretend to be contagious.”

That wouldn’t work and every pretext that he could think of wasn’t plausible either. “What if I pretend to be gay?” His father’s advice was now working against him. ‘Never lie if it’s one destined to fail.’ “I’m shy? I’m sick? I’m a jerk?” He stumbled on a delicious idea. “Yes, I am an idiot.” With a cunning smile, the self-satisfied reluctant suitor snatched up the daily newspaper. He had an idea of how to ruin the unwanted seduction date.